How Would a Banjo-Kazooie Romance Go?"
by Eeveelover
Summary: This is an insane fic. Prolly one of my most crazy. I'm glad I wrote this though, it gives me a chance of writing fanfiction that isn't anime-related. ^^; Heed the warnings in the beginning. Oh, and DOWN WITH WUMBA!


"How Would a Banjo-Kazooie Romance Go?"  
By: Eeveelover  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  
  
Have you ever bothered to wonder... how a Banjo-Kazooie romance would go? Never? Once?  
Twice? A few times before? Every time you play Banjo-Kazooie or Banjo-Tooie? Well, this  
piece of fanfiction is here to suggest many various ways a B-K romance could go. Please  
refrain from any flames, out-rageous outbursts or any loud and uncontrollable laughter  
until the end of the fic. Keep your fingers either on your mouse or on your scroll down  
key the whole time. Thank you very much, and please enjoy the fic. =D  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  
  
"Greetings, I am your host and author, Eeveelover, but you can just call me Eevee.  
Today (or tonight, depending on what time you're reading this), you will read many ways  
as to which a most-likely non-existant romance between 2 video game characters- a dim  
bear named Banjo, and a smart-ass breegull named Kazooie- may go, or turn out. Beware  
though- some implimations may not be appropriate for young children. Be prepared, for  
what you are about to read is more silly than serious. And watch out, for some of the  
scenarios are actually stolen. -_-  
  
-----  
  
"Hey Kazooie, have you ever thought about abandonning adventuring and settling down?"  
  
The red breegull looked up from her hand of cards from the other side of the table. She  
gave her dim-witted friend an odd look, "Are you CRAZY? Why would I want to settle  
down! Adventuring is the life for me. Sure, it's a bit hard at times, but life is full  
of challenges. Who wants to live a boring life at home? I mean, there's nothing to do  
but watch TV and live off Cup Noodles and Corn Nuts all day."  
  
"Yeah, but it's quiet, and care-free. And settling down doesn't necessarilly mean  
staying in the house all the time. We could get a garden to take care of outside. That  
way, we'll have other various foods to eat, instead of those cheap TV dinners."  
  
"Too much work. Do you have any two's?"  
  
"Well, we could have barbeque's with the neighbors. It'd be a nice get-together, no big  
hassles or anything. Oh, go fish."  
  
"Grr..." Kazooie picked up the top card and stuck it in her hand, "What neighbors? I  
hope you aren't referring to goggle-head. He and his family would probably eat us out  
of house and home, which, by the way, is too quiet as it is."  
  
"But, I like quiet. Don't you, Kazooie? And do you have any Kings?"  
  
Kazooie fumbled with her hand. She tossed 2 cards to Banjo and grumbled, "No, I don't.  
Only at night, but appearantly I can't get that since you snore as loud as ol' Grunty  
farts."  
  
"Kazooie, that's mean! And that's just gross, too. Do you have any seven's?"  
  
"HA! Go fish! Erm, and sorry about that, but it is true. To put it as simply as I can,  
I just don't want to settle down. It's not a 'me' thing, y'know? Why did you ask,  
anyway?"  
  
Banjo picked up the top card from the deck. He shuffled his hand around a bit and put  
down 4 three's in front of him. "Er, no reason."  
  
-----  
  
Just a casual conversation, nothing too special. It did hint a little, but nothing  
major. Now, let's try something different, eh? Perhaps something more- convincing?  
  
-----  
  
It was late at night out in the wilderness. Banjo and Kazooie had been traveling around  
the cliff tops, trying to find that wretched brother of Bottles, JamJars. They really  
could use a new technique, but it was already late, so they decided to camp out. It was  
Banjo's turn to keep watch, and he was poking at the fire he made. He was so bored.  
What was the point of keeping watch, when there was only two of them? It certainly  
didn't seem too fair to him.  
  
Banjo sighed and continued to poke at the fire. There was no use in questioning the  
situation. It was Kazooie's idea, and she purposely made him keep the first watch. She  
always took advantage of a chance to get some sleep without Banjo's annoying snores.  
Well, this time she really didn't get a quiet night of sleep. Banjo's constant poking  
of the fire made so many types of cracking noises that Kazooie just couldn't stand it.  
She groggilly stuck her head out of the small backpack (and I still keep wondering how  
she manages to fit in that thing...) and looked around. She stuck one leg out, and then  
crawled out of the darn thing. She normally would have pecked Banjo in the head, but  
she was just way too tired to do so. She waddled over to Banjo's right side and sat  
next to him.  
  
"What, exactly, are you doing?" asked Kazooie, pissed.  
  
"Keeping watch, like you said to do. **yawn** And poking the fire, `cause I'm bored."  
  
"Well, don't poke the fire! I couldn't get one minute of sleep because of you poking  
the stinkin' fire!"  
  
"Oh, uh, sorry then Kazooie."  
  
Silence. Banjo stopped poking the fire with a stick, but he was really tempted to. He  
just *had* to do something, amongst this silence. Kazooie was now starting to feel  
sleepy again, but forced herself to stay awake, hoping that Banjo would just doze off  
so she could take her watch and get it over with. Kazooie continued to stare at the  
fire's bright red glow. She was thinking about how long she and Banjo had been friends,  
and how long they intended to stay that way. Friends are forever, right? But there's no  
way she'd want to live in a cramped backpack her entire life! Think of the back pain!  
  
"Hey Banjo, how long have we been friends?"  
  
"Uhm, well uh, lessee..." Banjo counted on all of his fingers and his toes, and looked  
back down to Kazooie, "A long, long time!"  
  
"Oh gee, that really helps." huffed Kazooie, obviously being her normal sarcastic self,  
"How long do you think we'll be friends?"  
  
"Uh... well," Banjo looked down at his fingers and toes again, "A really long, long  
time!"  
  
"Oh gods..." Kazooie said as she lowered her head, "Are you so sure? Is that what you  
are planning? For us to be friends forever?"  
  
"Well, weren't you? Guh huh, why are you asking these silly questions, Kazooie?"  
  
"I dunno. A really long, long time seems like, well, a really long, long time. Is it  
even possible that we could remain friends for that long? When you think about it, we  
are an odd pair. Whoever thought us up as video game heroes must've had too many cups  
of strong coffee. Although, I do admit I am grateful I get be be a video game he- hey,  
Banjo? You `wake? Hey, honey-glop-for-brains, you listening?"  
  
Nope. Banjo had fallen asleep while Kazooie was yakking away. He was lightly snoring,  
and this didn't infuriate Kazooie as much as it would if he was having one of his very  
bad snorin' days. Although, he did look kinda sweet while he slept sitting down. Dopey,  
but a bit sweet. Kazooie scooted closer over to him, and leaned on his arm. It really  
was warm, and fuzzy. Well dher, of course it'd be fuzzy. =p He's a BEAR.  
  
Anyway, alluva sudden, out of the blue, totally from nowhere... some little Jinjo (any  
color you want to imagine it), snuck up on the breegull and spooked the skiddly-  
diddlies out of the poor girl. Bad idea, wittle Jinjo.  
  
"Hey! Whatcha doin'? Huh? Huh? Huh? Aren'tcha s'posed t'be findin' us all? We ain't  
gonna be sitting around all day and night! Hurry up! Hurry up! Hey, what's with you and  
the bear? Huh? Huh? Huh? Is there something going on that I really shouldn't know about  
but I'm gonna stick my beak in anyway? Huh? Tell me! Tell me! NOW NOW NOW!"  
  
"Why you annoying little bastard... I'm gonna KILL you! I'M GONNA MURDER YOU!"  
  
Kazooie quickly jumped up and madly chased after the [insert random color] Jinjo around  
the clifftops. She was squaking so loud that anyone within a 5-mile radius could have  
heard her (save for Banjo, who was a heavy sleeper [natural for a bear]). She was also  
coughing up so many damn eggs at the stupid Jinjo that even I'm surprised she hasn't  
choked on a couple.  
  
"Aahhh! Red rum! Red rum! Eeep eep eep! Crazy bird, out to kill! AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!"  
  
-----  
  
Eh heh heh, maybe stealing one of the few calm and mushy scenes from The Slayers wasn't  
such a good idea. ^^;;; Well, I don't think Lina would have freaked out on Auntie Aqua  
like that, seeing as how Auntie didn't act like the little Jinjo did. Speaking of The  
Slayers, Banjo and Kazooie remind me of Gourry and Lina. Gourry's a big, stupid blonde  
swordsman guy, and Lina is a short-tempered, extremely powerful sorceress with firey  
red hair. Erm, anyways, off onto something that's a bit... odd. O_o And believe me,  
it's gonna be /odd/. How odd? Well, how odd can a supposed-romance story that's stated  
as 'Humor' and rated PG-13 be? I guess you guys shall be the judge of that, ne?  
  
-----  
  
"Hey uh- Kazooie? C-can I ask you a que-question?" asked Banjo a bit timidly.  
  
Kazooie let out a long, heaving sigh. She peeked up from her magazine and looked to  
the big bear with very little brain (no, not Pooh Bear), "What is it this time, Banjo?"  
  
"Uh well, you know I get this weird feeling. And um-"  
  
"What IS IT Banjo?" demanded Kazooie impatiently. She really wanted to get back to her  
magazine. She was just now reading the section where the latest dirt was squeazed out  
of some celebrities.  
  
"Well, sometimes when I think about you, I get this weird, light and fluffy-feathery  
feeling. It's like I could sort of fly, I think. Is it because you're a bird, and you  
can fly too? Because I think that's the reason. Does everyone get that weird feeling  
when they think of birds?"  
  
"How should I know, jell-o head? Now if you don't mind, I'd really like to get back to  
my reading material. Maybe you should pull out a book as well. Hopefully you'll learn  
something today! What a large 180 that'll be..."  
  
"Wait, these funky-feelings haven't always happened before. I think they only started  
recently. When I thought about you before, I never got the fuzzy feeling. But now I do.  
Why is that? I think it's weird..."  
  
"Er, well..." Kazooie became a bit nervous, "Where, exactly, do you have these 'funky-  
feathery feelings', Banjo?"  
  
"Um, uh..."  
  
Banjo looked downward at his bright yellow shorts. Kazooie stuck her beak back in her  
magazine, not wanting the conversation to continue any further...  
  
-----  
  
::koffhackkoff:: Told ya so. Now, let's try another? *Beware* _;;;  
  
-----  
  
Tooty skipped happily along the path leading back to the small, blue house where she,  
her older brother Banjo and their birdy-friend Kazooie all lived. She had made a short  
errand to the grocery store to buy more honey and birdseed for the other members of  
the house hold. Both Banjo and Kazooie were going to go themselves, but Tooty wanted to  
help them out, and asked to go. Kazooie took this opportunity [naturally], and rushed  
Tooty to leave. Banjo didn't really seem to mind much, so he let her go.  
  
Well, now Tooty was back. She approached the front door, holding the paper grocery bag  
in both of her arms. She was about to push open the door, but she heard some odd noises  
coming from in the house.  
  
"Gee, I wonder what that could be!" Tooty said as she placed her bag down. She placed  
an ear against the door and listened carefully, "Hmm..."  
  
"Oooohhhh... that feels good..."  
  
"Eh- yeaahhhh... that does..."  
  
Tooty pulled her ear away for a moment, "Huh? Is that Banjo and Kazooie? **gasp**!"  
  
"Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... turn it up, B-Banjo..."  
  
"Sure, K-Kazooie.... ahh....."  
  
"AAAHHHHH!!!!" Tooty ran around the front yard screaming, "My virgin ears!!! My virgin  
ears!!! They've been stained! Oh deary-dear me! My poor virgin ears!!!!!!"  
  
"Mmmm... I feel soooo comfortable... ahhhhhhhhh... oooh...~"  
  
"Oh, me too Kazooie..."  
  
"Oh GAWD I am loving this..."  
  
"I n-never knew that Banjo and Kazooie would do *THIS*! I thought that they were just  
really good friends! I'm okay with inter-racial relationships, but inter-SPECIES? This  
is just too much! O-okay, I'm gonna have to stop this, before deformed beings enter the  
world, and before my innocent little mind gets any more corrupted."  
  
Tooty nervously placed her shaky hand on the doorknob of the front door. She really  
didn't want to do this, but what else was there to do? ~I just hope my poor virgin eyes  
will not be blinded by whatever sight may be on the other side of this door...~ Tooty  
thought to herself. She turned the knob, and counted to 3. She then burst in through  
the door:  
  
"OKAY! Stop it you two. If you're going to do this sort of thing, AT LEAST do it at  
night and AWAY from a young innocent child such as myself!!!" Tooty opened her eyes to  
look at whatever may have been awaiting. What she saw made her face fault, "..... EH?!"  
  
"Oh, hi Tooty!" said Banjo cheerily.  
  
Banjo was sitting in a dark blue vibrating chair. He had two remote controls in his  
hands (one to control the vibrating chair, and the other for what Kazooie had). On the  
bed was Kazooie, laying down on her back. Under her neck was a muscle masságer {sp?}.  
  
"Oh, hey Tooty. Didja get the birdseed I wanted?"  
  
"Wha... what are you two DOING?!" asked little Tooty, bewildered and embarrassed.  
  
"Oh, nothing special," answered Banjo, "A couple months ago Kazooie ordered some 'Super  
Comfort' items she saw on the Shopping Network. They came in while you were gone. Since  
they came it, we've been in these same spots, enjoying the comfort these things had to  
give!"  
  
"Yeah, my neck has never felt any better! It's been killing me lately, from being  
stuffed in that damn backpack all the time. I'm *so* glad this thing finally came in.  
Although I still think that I should complain to the Shopping Network or sue them for  
taking so friggen' long to get these things here! They keep sayin' they'll get it to  
you fast and easy! That's false advertising! Not only that, that's just a big pile of  
sh-"  
  
"Kazooie, don't say such things when a pair of innocent ears are nearby! Sigh, just be  
happy your stuff came in, okay?"  
  
Kazooie rolled her eyes, "Oh, fine then,"  
  
"Bu- but, but I thought that you guys were... uhhhhhh," Tooty then fainted, for reasons  
even unknown to me. My best guess would be the result of total embarrassment.  
  
Kazooie looked down to where Tooty landed, "What's with her?"  
  
"I have no clue. I hope she'll be okay."  
  
"Hey, she left the door wide open, and our food is still outside!"  
  
"Well, I'm not gonna get it. I'm just waaaaayyyy too comfortable to move."  
  
-----  
  
Poor, poor Tooty. ^^; Eheheh. Well, that really wasn't a genuine 'romance', but then  
again this is a humor-genré fanfic. I also don't do actual romance (i.e.- fluffy stuff  
and mush). **sigh** What will I think of next? O_o; Do you really want to know?  
  
-----  
  
"Ha, full house! Give it up Banjo." wailed Kazooie as she dropped her cards down onto  
the table.  
  
"Aww... c'mon Kazooie..."  
  
"Listen, you agreed that we'd actually gamble this time, so give it to me! C'mon!"  
  
Banjo gave out a heavy sigh and took off his backpack. He reached across the table and  
handed it to the smirking Kazooie (how would birds smirk, anyway? Just curious). She  
quickly grabbed the thing and stuck it under her bird-butt. Now she could see the table  
better from above.  
  
"Okay Banjo, I'm dealing now. Hee hee hee..."  
  
Kazooie was wearing one of those visor thingies that dealers at a casino wear (well,  
duh! Why do I always state the utter obvious?). She had already taken Banjo's little  
tooth necklace and just now got his back pack. Boy, she sure was feelin' lucky. Oh, and  
on a side note- she *is* cheating. ^^;;;  
  
"Two cards, Banjo?"  
  
"Uh, sure I guess." Banjo replied scratching his head.  
  
Kazooie looked up from her hand of cards and squinted at Banjo. His confused expression  
gave her the cue to put her cards down. Heh, taking advantage of the fact that Banjo  
doesn't know how to play Poker and cheating was a sure-fire way of winning. =)  
  
"Okay, here's my hand, "Kazooie said as she placed her cards on the table, "What do you  
have, Mr. Imbisilic Cheese Monkey?" [Author- Er, my good friend Brandon called me that  
in math class one day while we were insulting eachother for no reason. O_o; Needless to  
say, after that, an odd name like that was bound to stick in my head.]  
  
"Er, is this good Kazooie?" asked Banjo as he showed her his cards.  
  
"Ooh... I don't think so, Banjo," Kazooie said as she leaned over the table. The truth  
was that Banjo would have won since he had 3 out of the 4 aces, but Kazooie is cheating  
here, remember? "You lose, I win! Muwahaha!"  
  
"Awww... not again," whined Banjo, "Kazooie, are you absolutely sure?"  
  
"Yes I am, do you doubt me? Hmm, now what should I take? .... Gimme your shorts!"  
  
Banjo blushed, "Ka-KAZOOIE! Not my SHORTS! C'mon, Kazooie, they're all I have for  
decency!"  
  
"It's not like you're decent in anything anyway, so just GIVE THEM TO ME!"  
  
"Awww maaannnn... Well, turn around for a minute, okay?"  
  
Kazooie closed her eyes and turned her head around. Banjo pulled off his yellow shorts,  
sat back in his chair and tossed them over to Kazooie.  
  
"There, happy now? Brr- this chair is cold!"  
  
Kazooie began to laugh maniacally, "They're mine now! All mine! Ha ha ha!" she quickly  
put on the shorts and sat back down, "Again?"  
  
"But- I have nothing else!"  
  
"You could always win something back, bucket-brains. Okay, here we go again!"  
  
Banjo really wanted to just stop now. If he lost again, Kazooie might make him his  
slave or something. Kazooie was definetly enjoying this card game though, Banjo could  
tell.  
  
[skip the dealing of cards and showing of hands]  
  
"Well Banjo..."  
  
"Yeah Kazooie? Did I actually win?!" he asked excitedly.  
  
"Hmm... NOPE! Hahahahaha!"  
  
"Kazooie...~" whined Banjo, "I have nothing to give up,"  
  
"Yes you do... GIMME YOUR FUR! HAHAHA!"  
  
"...... Kazooie?"  
  
"Hahaha! Eh? What is it, jellyfish brain?"  
  
"This is some sort of mad desire of yours, isn't it?"  
  
-----  
  
Eh heh heh... -_-;;; Well, I guess this'll wrap it up. I have other ideas, I just don't  
want to write them down. They're too scary. Believe me, you wouldn't want to see them.  
Don't worry, they're not anything that should be rated R and up, they're just too weird  
and stuff. 0_o You know, cheating, other odd couplings and card game situations.  
  
Kazooie: HEY! There she is! I outta knock you into the next millenium for writing such  
garbage!  
  
Banjo: Ms. Eeveelover, I mean no real offense, but you are just messed up!  
  
Eeveelover: Er... O_o  
  
Kazooie: Grr... how DARE you write such a stupid peice of sh-  
  
Banjo: KAZOOIE!  
  
Tooty: I'm still here, Kazooie. **pulls out ears** These ears are still some-what  
innocent. They would be completely innocent if Ms. Eeveelover hadn't stained them!  
  
Eeveelover: ... What? What?! It was for the sake of humor! You know, 'Ha ha!'?  
  
Kazooie: I don't give a rats' a-  
  
Banjo: Kazooie!!!  
  
Kazooie: Oh put a sock in it, fluff-head!  
  
Eeveelover: Heh heh... I'm sorry, okay? Yeesh, all a girl like me wants to do is make  
people laugh by writing rediculas and humorous stories. It's not like this was any real  
romance anyway, except for maybe story #2... But you guys really shouldn't feel  
offended! What about all those Kazooie-bashing stories, hmm?  
  
Kazooie: What?! There are stories that bash ME?! GWAH! I'm SO gonna kick their sorry  
little butts!  
  
Banjo: Um, is that a good idea?  
  
Kazooie: Oh, and how would YOU know? It's not like you can even think of any ideas!  
  
Eeveelover: Calm down, Kazooie. You can't do anything anyway. Not unless the author of  
those Kazooie-bashing stories makes you hurt him/herself. I'm not going to get myself  
into some deep doggy doo-doo by writing you to do so. `Sides, they are some-what funny.  
^^;  
  
Kazooie: WHAT did you say?!  
  
Banjo: She said they were some-what funny.  
  
Kazooie: **bonks Banjo on the head** I know that! It was a rhetorical question, idiot.  
  
Eeveelover: Hey, c'mon Kazooie, stop hurting Banjo. Just because I think that those  
stories are a little funny, doesn't stop you from being my favorite B-K character.  
Yeesh, some people- er, birds. **sigh**  
  
Kazooie: I'm your favorite character?  
  
Eeveelover: Yeah, you are. And Banjo is second. Then it's Jolly. ^^ He's too funny-  
lookin'. Those bell-bottoms and feminine personallity of his makes me laugh! XD Well,  
not to mention that he's a frog, and I love frogs. **hugs Keroppi plushie**  
  
Banjo: Um, Ms. Eeveelover, shouldn't you finish this fanfic up now?  
  
Eeveelover: Oh yes, good idea Banjo. ^_^ So, I guess this wraps it up folks! Stay tuned  
because next time- "How would a Mumbo Jumbo x Humba Wumba Romance Go?" is gonna hit  
fanfiction.net's pages soon!  
  
Mumbo Jumbo: Mumbo refuse to participate in any such fic!  
  
Humba Wumba: Ms. Author girl is going to get big heap beating if author girl tries to  
do such thing!  
  
Eeveelover: **raises an eyebrow** Oh really?  
  
Mumbo: Mumbo says author girl need a shock to head!  
  
Eeveelover: Try using pronouns, Mumbo and Humba. They're great for saving breath while  
speaking, since they're only one syllable. =p  
  
Humba: Author girl is gonna get big heap magic beating by Wumba if author girl does not  
close smart-allec mouth!  
  
Eeveelover: ............ **opens mouth wide open** Go on, try it you egotistical little  
Native-American witch woman! (you can tell Humba annoys me)  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 


End file.
